Hit the skip to read our live blog of this year’s MTV Video Music Awards.
8:17 p.m. What’s up, y’all? Let’s cut some entitled celebrity ass. Cobra Starship is starting the night off with some fist-pumping euro-house tripe. Is no one safe from this fad?
8:19 p.m. Not even twenty minutes in, and we’ve already got our second Wiz-and-Amber-smooching shot. Can I get a “Yeezy taught me”?
8:25 p.m. Jessie J looking ridickaless in the blinged out cast and crutches. Will they not stop trying to push her on the United States?
8:31 p.m. The cast of Awkward looking… awkward. MTV needs to chill with the scripted dramas. They’re not hitting in the streets.
8:35 p.m. Has Nicki Minaj officially out-Gaga’d Gaga? She looks like the trash bin outside Universal Studios.
8:41 p.m. This no-name red carpet host guy is sneaking shots at Tyler, the Creator left and right tonight.
8:51 p.m. Swizz Beatz is working on a new album with Bono, Kanye, Lenny Kravitz, etc. Guess G.H.E.T.T.O. Stories needed company in the Worst Producer Albums Of All Time category.
8:56 p.m. The Jordan Catalano band… er… 30 Seconds To Mars look like sketchy European drug dealers.
9:02 p.m. Gaga kicking off the show with the world’s worst Al Pacino impression. Get me outta here.
9:08 p.m. Gaga still onstage performing a blatant Shania Twain ripoff with beer, cigarettes, and Queen’s Brian May on lead guitar. This girl jumps the shark every day of the week.
9:09 p.m. The announcer just yelled “SWAG!” It’s all downhill from here.
9:12 p.m. Kevin Hart is usually pretty funny, but he’s just not cutting it tonight. At all.
9:14 p.m. A newly thin Jonah Hill dressed like Peter Parker chewing scenery with Nicki Minaj in full on Final Fantasy boss fight regalia. Get me outta here.
9:19 p.m. Britney Spears wins a moonman for that song Ke$ha gifted her and actually cries in disbelief. I will be sick of her by night’s end.
9:24 p.m. Jay and ‘Ye doing it big performing “Otis” with epic pyrotechnics. Can I get a camera on Weezy though?
9:29 p.m. Foo Fighters collect, what, their third ever VMA? Despite a career of inventive videos?
9:34 p.m. Young Money looked so defeated after Jay and Kanye’s performance. There might not be a need for a response track…
9:38 p.m. Nicki Minaj has just called herself an underground rapper. She also called Wayne the best rapper alive. The lean must be flowing like water tonight.
9:50 p.m. Pitbull and Ne-Yo keeping the trashy, interchangeable club music quota going strong. God, I hate this stuff.
9:57 p.m. Comedy is not one of Rick Ross’s (very limited) strong suits. This dude is ruining these Kevin Hart skits.
9:59 p.m. Call me crazy, but I am not a fan of Adele and her no frills ass mopey pop music. Great voice, absolutely stunningly dull material.
10:05 p.m. Adele getting interrupted by Jessie J’s warbly cover of Katy Perry’s “Fireworks” was funny. Even more awkward than those Birdman cutaway shots after “Otis”.
10:12 p.m. Figured out the formula for tonight’s awards: Whoever ISN’T Kanye wins.
10:17 p.m. Chris Brown is doing a combination Wu-Tang and Nirvana tribute complete with trampolines, laser lights, and flight. You almost forget that he hits women.
10:27 p.m. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s pretty much over for Jessie J making it in the states. Couldn’t dance on account of the injured foot. Couldn’t stay in the same key as her band for a full bumper performance. (Bumper performance! Ten seconds worth of song!) It’s a wrap for the girl.
10:34 p.m. Beyonce is killing this whole I’m pregnant and becoming a family woman thing. “Love on Top” destroyed just now.
10:40 p.m. TYLER GETS BEST NEW ARTIST. GOLF WANG. SWAG.
10:50 p.m. Some Young the Giant band performed. Making me realize indie rock (hell, rock of any form) has been shown almost zero love all night.
10:54 p.m. Cloris Leachman is continuing to beat the “old lady pretends to be a nymphomaniac” horse TO DEATH. Quit it, please.
11:04 p.m. Russell Brand has told this exact Amy Winehouse remembrance nearly word for word before, but hey, RIP Amy Winehouse.
11:08 p.m. They’re debuting footage of Amy Winehouse’s final studio sessions with Tony Bennett. She’s really gone. Sheesh.
11:13 p.m. Bruno Mars did a capable version of “Valerie” in tribute to Amy Winehouse. Way too peppy of a song for a tribute, if you ask me.
11:23 p.m. Wayne and this wack performance of “How to Love” is just the worst. You’re releasing your album in minutes. You get face time on TV in front of millions. And THIS is the shit you lead with?
11:26 p.m. Weezy switched it up and performed “John” (“I’m Not a Star pt. 2″) with bits of Sabbath’s “Iron Man” and cursed and jumped around and pretended to both rap and play guitar over his and Rick Ross’s vocal tracks. (With Ross in the audience.) This is the self-proclaimed biggest rapper of 2011. It’s all over, guys. It’s all downhill. I’m gonna go cleanse my soul with some Capone-N-Noreaga. One.
